He wasn’t doing enough and he knew it. To live was hard—not impossible, but hard—knowing how little he was doing. However well he did the indispensable work for which he was appreciated and renowned, there were others who did it better, for less, with fewer expectations, in places he wouldn’t practice, for patients who needed it more. He felt pampered and overpaid and didn’t know what to do about it, short of refusing his salary. To save, he thought, was to hoard; worse yet was to invest—robbing from the poor to finance the rich and at a profit, no less. Yet he couldn’t squander, couldn’t donate without scrupulous study, couldn’t so much as overpay without worrying about the unintended consequences of superfluous funds chasing too little product, and so he accumulated wealth, one might say, inadvertently, by making more than he spent and not losing any. At every opportunity he did what was needed and more, but still he felt selfish and so lived a life of service and deprivations, inconsequential love affairs, unfulfilled yearnings and deep resentments. He was forever repenting small indulgences and mourning the missed opportunities of time lost and irretrievable. Not that the world required of him anything in particular, provided he was timely, did no harm, removed the proper organs and left neat stitches. But the larger obligation, he felt, extended to everyone, to do not just the best one could but the most, short of refusing his salary. All things undone were a cheat on the world. Others did less, he knew, far less than he, but he wasn’t content to be among the less reprehensible. Over time, he turned a decent man into a bore, until the patients he did everything to please couldn’t bear to be with him.
Copyright © December 14, 2006 David Hodges
Very Short Novels 
7 comments
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December 14, 2006 at 8:00 am
Briseis
Interesting, and sadly true.
Thanks, briseis. I take it you’ve met this type.
–David
December 16, 2006 at 3:15 am
mijcookie
All I can think is… this guy is too single. He needs a family — that is — a lovely wife who wants a honeymoon in Rome, three wonderful but demanding kids and maybe some dogs. Do you know how much dog food costs? Aah! My father is a doctor, after all. 🙂
Well, be prepared for a long comment!
Firstly, thanks so much for your comments on my blog. I don’t tend to get comments much so it’s a nice change. Your writing is extremely impressive, and I’ve never seen anything like it — maybe I haven’t read much, but. I will be coming back to read some more, it feels educational in a way! 🙂
Thanks, mijcookie. For certain our doctor friend would have less time to fret about ethical dilemmas if he was feeding a few more mouths instead of hoarding his paychecks!
–David
December 16, 2006 at 4:53 am
David Raho
Ugggh!! An all too familiar pattern. A very nice and thoughtful vehicle for these ideas. Nice one David.
Thank you, David. I panicked for a second when I thought your “ugggh” was meant for me. Happy to host you here and glad you had a thoughtful visit!
–David
December 16, 2006 at 5:32 am
litlove
I find this a far more poignant and moving portrait of the problematic ‘How to be good?’ than Nick Hornby’s novel of the same name. You write about the conundrum of ethics – is there a way to embrace charity, compassion, generosity and selflessness that does not draw in negativity and ultimately despair? Wonderful writing.
Probably the best way to embrace all the generous impulses is thoughtlessly. We do get in our own way.
–David
December 17, 2006 at 11:16 am
David Raho
Sorry for the panic David. The Ugggh!! was definitely a case of me identifying with the plight of your character and the all too familiar struggles/dilemmas in life. I really like this piece and I get a bit more every time I read it. It haunted me after I read it the first time. You are setting a very high standard with this one. What will you cook up next……
PS I used to see Nick about in Islington when I lived there. He is well worth a read.
PPS Good to see mijcookie commenting here. I think she’s definitely someone to look out for in the future—unless my talent radar is way off.
Thanks, David. Glad you liked it. I’ll check out your buddy Nick. And, yes, mijcookie is showing style early.
–David
July 16, 2010 at 11:24 am
mikeridge
David; you asked at another place for me to read this and “tell me if I got any part of it right?”.
My first impression was, have I become a bore? And the answer has to be yes, but for somewhat different reasons than you attribute to this unnamed doctor. He and I share the “suffering servant” attitude which you describe in its harrowing bleakness. Mine from having a very low self-image; in your man the reasons are left for the reader to ponder on.
Whatever the causes, the crippling self-deception has predictable consequences… I am chastened but relieved to know that someone else has an awareness of such matters.
Thanks, mikeridge. You have a lot of names for one man. I didn’t ask for your feedback because you’re a bore; I asked because you’re a doctor with a conscience, but you know that because you’re also smart and have a sense of humor.
Suffering servant is an excellent shorthand for the neat stitches syndrome. I knew I was asking the right guy. Thank you for your affirmation.
–David
July 17, 2010 at 1:24 am
gallowaygrave
Hopefully another ID to confuse…
You’ve got a million of ’em!
–David