How I love the world in all its ripe green beauty and all the people on its skin who cheer me with their thoughtless kindness! The sun pours down like pancake syrup. The grass comes up like grass in a dream. Today is my birthday, again; I’ve never been older. I’ll celebrate with a vigorous parade as far as my legs can take me. This time I may never stop walking. March with me down the boulevard (the street, to be honest) and kick your knees high as we strut through the town of my childhood. Wave to the crowds on the sidewalks! Can you whistle? Do you own a bassoon? I want to make music that sounds like it’s coming from just down the street and follow it into the rest of my life. Whichever way we turn becomes the parade route. This was my driveway. This was my yard, where I lay out one night in a shower of stars and wondered if anyone would miss me. Left is the school where I learned how the Lord made the day and the night; right is the school where I heard He had died. Here is the boss who taught me that work is just work and in no way its own reward. There is the house of the girl who said yes and her sister. We’ve gathered a boisterous crowd: marching bands and dogs on stilts and a monkey at the piano. The shopkeepers rejoice to see us. The bells on their registers ring when we come through the doors with our elephants! Everyone sings: Oh, remember me when I’m gone! Put the town behind me and I’m gone so long! Never thought the feeling would remain so strong. Something’s terribly, terribly wrong. Something’s quietly, horribly wrong.
Copyright © May 17, 2007 David Hodges
11 comments
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May 18, 2007 at 10:08 am
Arthur Browning
You had me until the last three sentences.
Oops! Catch you next time, Arthur. Thanks for coming by so often.
–David
May 18, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Anonymous
Um…happy birthday?!
Yes, it’s just a coincidence, I assure you, but it was my birthday yesterday. Thanks!
–David
May 18, 2007 at 7:18 pm
JaneDoughnut
No! We were having so much fun. Why did you have to go and pull back the curtains?
It was fun, wasn’t it, Jane? Once more time from the top?
–David
May 20, 2007 at 8:37 am
litlove
I have the feeling that if you hadn’t put in that twist at the end, you would have had a very accomplished, very vital piece of writing, but it wouldn’t have been a VSN. A sense of layered complexity, of the unexpected, of paradox, seems to me to be fundamental to what you do, David. Parades can easily have a veneer of manic defensiveness to them, so that something dark should lurk behind or beneath seems very emotionally plausible.
Thank you, Litlove. That’s very generous. I sense about this one that I owe readers a chance to be there with me at the end, instead of surprising them. “Of course! I should have seen that coming!” is more satisfying than “Where did that come from?”
–David
May 20, 2007 at 10:35 pm
Andrew Goulding
Given your encouragement with my last comment, today I shall be more technical.
Line 1: you ruin the “music’ of the opening sentence by going for a gaudy interesting image. The sentence would run smoother as: …and all of its people, who cheer me with their thoughtless kindnesses.
Excellent until Line 8: what’s all the filigree for. why not
“I want to make music…like it’s a parade to the story of my life.”
Loved the list until …”and her sister” Unless explained, you destroy the thought process the reader is going through for “what did she say “yes” to?” “Ahhh!!! Dump the sister.
Not thrilled about “with our elephants” the image needs more gas, it’s too impressive to undersell.
“And I’m gone COMMA so long.”
The last two lines seem another story, irrelevant to this one.
As you can see, I really liked a lot of it…but you have a tendency to distract the reader with irrelevancies. Control that…and you’ll rock!
Thanks, Andrew. That’ll teach me to encourage you.
–David
May 21, 2007 at 3:00 am
wizzer
I have to disagree with Andrew (not about the technicalities since I am not qualified to argue here but about the “irrelevancies”).
What makes David’s stories so brilliant is the number of thoughts each one conjures up in so few words. The “dead-end” thoughts like “and her sister” are in my opinion brilliant. They add to the interest and make the stories so much fuller.
The VSNs can be read in a few seconds – it’s the thoughts you are left with that really work for me.
A story that tells everything and leaves nothing to the imagination is boring.
Now about that sister…
This is starting to get interesting! Thank you both for caring enough to weigh in with your perspectives!
–David
May 21, 2007 at 5:10 am
Naresh Neupane
Hello David,
I today discovered you and realised in no time that you are awesome.
Your style of writing stories is amazing. However, I wonder whether you do justice to your work by scissoring words only to confine your stories to 299 mantra.
But I appreciate your knack for writing.
Keep up the good work.
Thank you, Naresh. When I exhaust 299 words, I’ll try something else.
–David
May 21, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Suburban Kamikaze
A strangely addicting site. It could be called “299 Things I Meant to Accomplish Today, But I Got Caught Up Reading Very Short Novels Instead.”
Please do not visit suburbankamikaze.com today looking for new entries.
I will be here instead.
SK
Thank you so much, Suburban Kamikaze. That does my heart a world of good!
–David
June 5, 2007 at 10:54 am
Evelyn
“Oh, remember me when I’m gone! Put the town behind me and I’m gone so long! Never thought the feeling would remain so strong.” As usual, I am somewhere other than where other readers are. That was the part that struck a nerve with me! I liked the imagery, I have my own opinion about “the sister” and you have, David, once again, struck a nerve. My nerves just seem to be wired differently than the rest of the world. Belated Happy Birthday!
Yes, Evelyn, I’ve come to anticipate a refreshingly unexpected reaction from you! Thank you as always.
–David
June 5, 2007 at 9:39 pm
Marn
Belated Happy birthday David! Just yesterday, I was also writing something that is related to my birthday. Hehehehe. Anyway, this is a nice piece.:)
Happy Birthday to you, Marn, whenever it is.
–David
Thanks David! Hmm.. it will be 10 days from now.. hehehe.. Thanks again!
June 6, 2007 at 3:38 am
ramayadi
Hello david,
it’s nice to read your short novel. could you make a short novel about couple that prepare their wedding, like serendipity movie
Thanks ramayadi. I’ll have to see the movie first and let you know.
–David