I work hard on my checks to the phone company, the utilities, the landlord and those irresponsibly naïve organizations that have entrusted me with credit. God bless their mortal souls. My checks are late and never for the recommended amount but they are works of art. They tell of my condition without irony. I would pay more often if I could—not for as much as is demanded but for as much as is deserved—if only for the joy I take in filling out those little blanks with all the equanimity I can muster. My checks are beautiful babies; like babies they bounce. I use the Memo line to thank recipients for their understanding and to assure them that we are friends despite their neediness. Often an attachment is required. I’ve gotten good results with purple ink. Why is there a space for numbers and a space for words, and why those spaces? Don’t my checks work just as well when I mix them up? I recognize the value of the date. I use it with hope and every due sincerity to indicate the day on which I think I might be bequeathed the amount I’ve detailed elsewhere in numbers and in words. How I would love to be the person whose job it is to open the envelopes that contain these beautiful representations! If ever a person were given the chance to tip the scales of justice to favor the cosmic good I believe receiving one of my checks would deliver me such a chance. But maybe that’s just me. I live in a world where money is a weapon to keep good workers from sniffing their dreams. I can’t expect a clerk to understand an act of pure anarchy. Still. Surely my effort is worth something.
Copyright © January 04. 2008 David Hodges
12 comments
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January 4, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Allison
I have (inadvertently, of course) written checks using the wrong payee name, and the bank still cashed them. I’m not sure how much attention banker pay to these works of art.
As an FYI, written dollar amounts trump the actual numbers. So why both? Maybe the bank people prefer to look at numbers, but then they double check the written amount to assess if tampering has occurred. Pure speculation. I’m guessing that the double-checking doesn’t actually occur, but could come in handy legally afterwards if tampering had occurred.
Sorry for the babble!
But you babble so eloquently! “. . . written dollar amounts trump the actual numbers” is a model of economy. Such a generous comment. Thank you, Allison, and welcome to Very Short Novels.
–David
January 4, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Pye
You have a good soul and will soar brightly through the heavens. As a source of amusement in a time of less-than-liquid capital [yesterday, today, tomorrow?], I sent out promissory notes written in pig-latin. I noticed no appreciable difference in the rate they were processed and no nasty references to my language source. Perhaps we should next attempt bizarre fonts and sweeping calligraphy, but somehow it probably isn’t going to matter.
I don’t know how I revealed my soul to you, but Pye, if I had the power, I would swipe your debit card clean for thinking to send pig-latin to your creditors! Welcome to Very Short Novels.
–David
January 4, 2008 at 4:42 pm
OmbudsBen
I took fortune cookies as inspiration for my checkwriting. What better response than to wish the utilities, the credit card companies, the bank that has my mortgage such happiness?
“You will live long and laugh loud” I wrote on a check and sent it to the credit card company.
“Romance awaits you this weekend” I sent the phone company.
“Your life will be long and prosperous” I sent the mortgage bank.
“The opposite sex finds you irresistible” I sent the cable company.
For this they sent me overdue notices, and shut off service?
For this, I am evicted?
Incredible. If irresistibility isn’t currency, what is!? Thanks, Ben.
–David
January 5, 2008 at 9:15 pm
High Heels
I prefer to write invisible cheques. The utilities fail to recognise these; however they seem to enjoy the random phone conversations which follow my (nil-)submissions. 🙂
As long as you have a system! Thanks, High Heels, and welcome to Very Short Novels.
–David
January 6, 2008 at 12:17 am
Jill Terry
Look at you, my friend, on WordPress frontpage under In Business…and brilliant as always!
Thank you, Jill! That’s very kind of you through and through. You sent me to the front page looking. I’d never have expected it.
–David
January 6, 2008 at 3:39 am
Teresa
I go to home improvement stores, do the math on the “low monthly payment” sales for large appliances, and leave the total pay-off amount on a post-it note on the appliance itself. (Fridge, $1200. Sale low mo. pay $70/mo x 60 mos. = payoff amt $4900.) Keeps me from writing unwise checks.
I too was impressed to find you frontpaged In Business…. maybe a piece on rising oil prices or sub-prime loans next?
That is a brilliant idea, Teresa. The reverse works too: calculating how much $100 unspent grows by compounding until retirement age. But don’t look for financial advice from me any time soon. Thanks.
–David
January 6, 2008 at 12:30 pm
lad madrigal
It was nice. I also work hard for my checks. I won’t sleep without finishing my writing jobs.
Haha, have a nice day!
Back to work, Lad, and welcome to Very Short Novels!
–David
January 6, 2008 at 3:08 pm
litlove
You’ve got me thinking about cheques in a way I never expected to! I was thinking that cheques are fantasies with numbers in the way that stories are fantasies with words; in both cases they are performative promises, bringing something into being which had no real, tangible life previously. So why shouldn’t a cheque be a work of art? Brilliant as ever, David!
The promises they make are sometimes just as fanciful! Thank you, Litlove.
–David
January 6, 2008 at 6:23 pm
briseis
Witty fun, David, and terribly clever.
Thank you, Briseis.
–David
January 7, 2008 at 4:41 am
Wizzer
“…for as much as is deserved” If only life allowed such a process! That really would develop a service culture.
Light hearted and fun but with such a deep moral undercurrent – I love the way you weave these tales David.
Thank you, Wizzer. Sorry it took me so long to respond!
–David
January 8, 2008 at 10:02 am
John Denner
I’m also very glad to have found you here on WordPress!
I’m delighted you’re here, John. I know all about your amazing abilities. Anybody who doesn’t should follow you back to JohnDennerRocks. Thanks, and welcome to Very Short Novels.
–David
January 16, 2008 at 8:57 am
findbotr
Giggle and chuckle I did. Yessiree. Checks I don’t write, tis cash for me. But I do enjoy the ones that come in. Phone utilities sent me one. For Eight cents, yep its framed for amusement.
I wonder what it cost them to send you eight cents.
–David