Long before the godsend which is the golf cart, the caddies were on borrowed time. Their insinuations on topics irrelevant to our game rubbed us the wrong way. Yet, we might be employing them still if we hadn’t discovered Tips for Better Golf, a pamphlet badly written and sloppily typed, then repeatedly xeroxed until it was barely legible, apparently distributed from caddy to caddy by hand, presumably a joke. Its advice to golfers includes the following: Caddies work for tips, not for hearty handshakes, your warm thanks, or advice on how to write a college application. No, it’s not your imagination: the courses you play are not congenial to cultural minorities. At most clubs, you will encounter the ethnic “other” only at curbside, at tableside, or in the parking lot. At better courses, an attendant may wash your clubs at the end of your heroic round. Do not take it personally if he polishes your club heads by spitting on them. Empty your mind of conscious thought as you address the ball: it will not improve your game to consider the hundreds of acres of virgin timber the developer bulldozed to produce this grassy diorama with its little flags. The golf course is as much a nature preserve as your home aquarium is the sea. Don’t fool yourself that you’re getting any exercise. It is also bad form to complain to people who do real work about any injuries you may sustain. While it is true that what you paid for your round could feed a Polynesian family for weeks, it’s unlikely they would have gotten the money anyway. If you are lucky enough to find your balls on the fairway, be thankful. You are a winner. Pick them up and go home. Don’t forget to tip your caddy.
Copyright ©1999-2006 David Hodges
Very Short Novels 
3 comments
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December 1, 2006 at 7:04 am
Annelisa
LOL! Briliant!
From my back window I see mini-people get out of their mini-golf carts, and play their game, come Hell or High Water. Even today – when it’s miserable, grey and drizzly – they’re out there!
I often wonder if they have (real) jobs to go to, or whether they are so well-off they don’t have to work, or perhaps they are simply taking a holiday (I could think of a few warmer climes they could be doing that in!)…
… but very often I’ve wondered about the huge amount of money they spend, and wonder if they put an equivalent aside for more important issues in life (like poverty, crisis, disease fighting etc)…
Nice one, David! Thoroughly enjoyed this.
Thank you, Annelisa. Maybe a gorgeously-executed chip-in from the fringe adds sufficient value to our shared existence? I know I feel enriched.
–David
December 1, 2006 at 10:13 am
red-dirt-girl
Hi D.
just cruising around today to see what i’ve missed…….this post made me sad……reminding me of my best friend in high school…….a brilliant and scholarly black man……..neither his parents nor mine would allow us to meet together after school…….years later, he was ‘man of honor’ at my wedding…………we’re still in touch after all those years…………i joke when i tell him he’s my ‘oldest’ friend: from age 11 to now and still counting………i hope the nursing home takes us both in!
rdg
ps posting in advance helps to keep certain posts at the top of your blog………..like the intro for example………but then again, I could just be living in the future…….would you like for me to tell you what will happen to you???? LOL
That explains why, when I visit your blog, it’s already next month!
–David
December 1, 2006 at 2:01 pm
M. Shahin
A story on golf that takes on some important issues including race and has us laughing along the way. Nice job, David! I hate golf, but I loved this story. I’d say this little story needs to be given to all the golfers in the world 🙂
I like golf once a year with my brothers, but that doesn’t mean I always feel clean out there on those scrubbed fairways. Thanks, mshahin.
–David